Liar Of The Year
by Red Witch
Summary: An award is an award right? It doesn't matter if you give it to yourself.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is getting an award. Just some tiny madness from my tiny little mind.**

 **Liar Of The Year **

"What do you think?" Cyril asked as he positioned a medium sized gold plaque on the wall.

"I think it should have been bigger," Mallory sighed.

"Well it's not," Cyril said. "But the position looks good so when our clients walk in…"

"If **any** clients walk in," Ray pointed out as he and Lana walked up to them.

"I think this looks fine," Cyril took out his phone and took a picture. "Now to post this on the website…"

"What the hell is that?" Lana pointed to the plaque on the wall.

"It's an award for Locally Owned Detective Agency of the Year," Mallory explained. "From the MACF Association."

"Who would give **us** an award?" Ray asked.

"We did," Cyril admitted. "MACF stands for Mallory Archer, Cyril Figgis."

"You gave **yourselves** an award?" Lana barked.

"Well we had to do **something**!" Mallory protested. "Our homepage is badly in need of updating."

"And a picture of this will show my father I'm not a complete failure," Cyril said.

"I'm sure a picture of you being arrested by the fraud squad would confirm it," Ray remarked.

"I still say it should have been bigger," Mallory said.

"We've been **over** this," Cyril said. "You didn't want to spring for the deluxe model!"

"They were overcharging!" Mallory snapped. "And a bit snotty."

"You would think people in the trophy making business wouldn't be so judgmental," Cyril sighed. "But they were."

"Exactly," Mallory said. "What did **they care** if we wanted to give ourselves an award? They were getting paid."

"This is just like all those fake Mother of the Year trophies you used to have," Lana groaned.

"They were not fake!" Mallory protested. "They were legitimate trophies."

"Which you ordered for **yourself!** " Lana gave her a look.

"I'm Sterling's mother," Mallory said. "And he would agree that I'm **his** Mother of the Year."

"Wasn't he caught voting for **someone else** during one of those contests?" Ray asked.

"Technically he was supposed to stuff the ballots," Mallory admitted. "He got confused on the timing…"

"No, I remember that!" Cyril realized. "He was drunk as a skunk!"

"Who was drunk as a skunk?" Cheryl asked as she walked over with Pam.

"Besides Archer?" Pam asked.

"We are talking about Archer," Lana said. "When he got caught stuffing those ballots for Mallory during one of those Mother of the Year contests."

"I think I have that in one of my files on my phone," Pam said.

"No, you don't," Mallory glared at her.

"Yeah I do," Pam used it. "Oh, here it is! I labeled this one Archer's Mother's Day Meltdown!"

"I didn't see this one," Ray said as the others gathered around to look.

Except for Mallory. "I wouldn't call it a meltdown."

"I would," Pam said.

"It wasn't a meltdown," Mallory protested as Pam ran the recording.

 _The image was of Archer stuffing ballots. He was also holding a bottle in one hand and not wearing any pants. "TAKE THAT MOTHER!" He slurred. "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WIN! SHE DESERVES TO WIN!"_

 _"STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!" Mallory's voice was heard. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"_

 _"Ruining your plan like you ruined my life!" Archer hiccupped as he threw the bottle away. The sound of it breaking and someone screaming was heard. "Oops…"_

 _"YOU HIT MY MOTHER!" A woman's voice was heard._

 _"Sorry…" Archer hiccupped. "I should have hit_ _ **my mother**_ _. My bad. Mea Culpa!"_

 _"What is going_ _ **on here?"**_ _An authoritarian woman's voice was heard._

 _"Sorry Trudy," Archer hiccupped. "Trudy._ _ **Trudy,**_ _ **Trudy…Do you love me?**_ _No wait…That's_ _ **Judy!**_ _Judy Do You Love Me? I always get those confused."_

 _"Sterling I think you've had a little too much to drink," Mallory was heard trying to be patient and losing._

 _"I know there's a song called Trudy…" Archer blinked. "I know there is. There's practically one for almost every girl name on the planet. Anybody knows who's done Trudy? Trudy do you know who did you?"_

 _"Phrasing!" Pam was heard._

 _"Does anyone know who did Trudy?" Archer shouted._

 _"Phrasing boom!" Pam whooped._

 _"Shut up Pam!" Mallory went over to her son. "Sterling I think you're tired…"_

 _"Yeah I'm tired!" Archer pulled away. "Tired of you using me like…That thing on a string…Whatever it is…Well no more Mother! I thwarted your plan! Twwwwwwarrrrrrrt! Ha! Funny word."_

 _Archer turned to the camera. "Do you know what she tried to get me to do Pam? She wanted me to stuff the ballots like that woman over there stuffs her bra!"_

 _"Which one?" Pam asked. The camera seemed to move to pan to the crowd._

 _"It doesn't matter!" Mallory shouted as the camera panned back to her._

 _"Well it does matter because I fixed your little red wagon," Archer sniffed._

 _"More like you fell off the wagon," Some woman remarked._

 _"That would imply he was ever_ _ **on**_ _to begin with," Pam was heard saying. "But he does sound more soused than usual."_

 _"I think it's the combination of the scotch, some groovy bears and some pills I found in Mother's purse," Archer shrugged. "They really have a kick."_

 _"I am going to kick_ _ **you**_ _…" Mallory hissed. "If you don't stop making a spectacle of yourself."_

 _"I stuffed the ballots all right Mother!" Archer smirked. "I stuffed them in favor for Carol Brady!"_

 _"SHE'S NOT EVEN IN THIS CONTEST!" Mallory shouted._

 _"WELL SHE SHOULD BE!" Archer shouted._

 _"Carol Brady isn't even real Ding Dong!" Pam said._

 _"Well neither is my mother's affection!" Archer snapped. "And damn it, does anybody know who did Trudy? This is going to drive me crazy."_

 _"The Charlie Daniels Band," Pam was heard saying._

 _"Thank you!" Archer let out a sigh of relief. "That was figuratively killing me. Okay everyone, you can relax. The Charlie Daniels Band did Trudy!"_

 _Mallory seemed to look at the camera. "I am getting censured for this aren't I Beekman?"_

 _"You'll be lucky if you aren't_ _ **expelled**_ _from the Women's League!" Trudy Beekman's voice was heard._

 _"Pam you'd better not be recording this!" Mallory shouted._

 _"I'm not, Jesus!" Pam was heard. But the video kept going._

 _"If you're not recording then why are you holding your phone like that?" Mallory snapped._

 _"Good reception," Pam said without a beat._

 _Archer looked a little green. "Excuse me…" He staggered off._

 _"Oh for…" Mallory groaned. "Where the hell are you pants_ _ **this time?"**_

 _"Don't know I…." Archer coughed. Then he threw up all over some woman's dress._

Everyone stopped watching the video. Mallory sighed. "Third worst Mother's Day ever!"

"I'd forgotten all about that day," Pam snickered. "Good thing I had my camera phone."

"That's a meltdown all right," Lana remarked.

"Big one," Ray said. "Not as big as the Fourth of Ju-Luau but…"

"A meltdown nonetheless," Cyril agreed.

"As well as getting expelled from the Women's League," Mallory sighed. "And a huge bill for Mrs. Kittering's dry cleaning. I never paid it but still…"

"Still Cyril hasn't learned from your lesson about having fake awards," Lana added.

"I put up with you people **every day!"** Cyril snapped. "If that doesn't deserve **some kind** of reward I don't know what does!"

"How about actually **doing** something?" Lana asked. "Anything."

"Shut up!" Cyril snapped. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have an e-mail and a picture to send to my father. Didn't win enough trophies to please you, old man? Well why don't you stuff **this trophy** in your fat face!" He stormed off.

"I think Cyril has some kind of mental problem," Cheryl remarked.

"Well you are the expert on that," Pam quipped.

"I'm going as far away from you mental midgets as possible," Mallory grumbled. "Before I catch whatever it is you have!"

"What do we say if someone asks what MACF stands for?" Ray asked.

"You say it means Mind Your Own Damn Business!" Mallory shouted as she left.

"That doesn't even match the letters!" Cheryl pointed out.

"Shut up!" Mallory shouted before she left.

"So, what are we going to say?" Ray asked. "What does MACF stand for?"

"Merry Association of Crazy Freaks?" Pam suggested.

"Well it fits," Ray chuckled. "In more ways than one."


End file.
